How To Overcome People-Pleasing: 3 Life-Changing Tips
People-pleasers often find themselves doing things they don’t want to do and putting the needs of others ahead of their own. When they’re asked to do something or to help someone, they often feel compelled to say ‘yes’.
In general, agreeing to help someone isn’t a problem. However, what separates people pleasing from a healthy agreement is that after the fact, the people-pleaser will feel “trapped” or “stuck”doing something that they genuinely don’t want to do.
If you’re feeling this way, then it is a sign that you made the wrong choice. So what can you do about it?
Don’t Allow Yourself to be Pressured in the Moment
Ask yourself this simple question — do I need to give them an answer right now?
Probably not.
So don’t feel pressured to answer in the moment.
Recruit time to be your ally. One of the biggest mistakes people make is saying ‘yes’ too quickly. Remember this: it is easier to turn a ‘no’ into a ‘yes’ than to turn a ‘yes’ into a ‘no’.
There are very few situations where you actually need to give an immediate response.
Whenever I tell people that you don’t need to answer or commit in the moment, someone inevitably asks this question: “But what if they pressure me to make a decision right now?”
Here is the simple rule. Whenever someone pressures me to give an immediate answer I say, “Well, if you need an answer right now, the answer has to be no.”
Miraculously, people always manage to find some patience when presented with that outcome.
Curiosity Before Commitment
Great negotiators are curious. Ask more questions and learn about the situation.
Try to learn the following:
- What do they want?
- Why do they want it?
- What is the timeline?
- What exactly do they want you to do?
- Are you their only option?
- How else can they meet their needs?
After you ask these questions you say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.”
This will allow you to distance yourself from the situation to avoid feeling the immediate emotional pressure as a people-pleaser to say ‘yes’. Taking the time to gather information will also make it more likely for you to make an informed decision.
Asking a friend or colleague for their perspective as you consider your options will also help you in the decision making process. They might be in a better position to see whether or not you’re doing the right things for the right reasons. It’s often easier to see people pleasing in others than it is to see it in yourself.
Information gathering, decision making, and responding are three distinct steps in the process. You’re more likely to slip into people pleasing when you try to do both at once.
Recognize that People Pleasing Makes Your Relationships Worse
Natalie Lue is a relationship expert. She is the founder of Baggage Reclaim and her podcast and books have been helping people-pleasers to overcome barriers so they can live the lives they deserve.
According to Lue, people-pleasing, while intended to make others happy, is actually a barrier to true intimacy.
Constantly giving in and trying to give the person what they want without sharing your true feelings will only create the opposite effect. You think you’re doing it to improve the relationship, but it only creates distance over time.
Sometimes they trick themselves into thinking that they are doing this because it is “noble” or “admirable,” but if the pattern continues in the relationship, they will likely suffer emotionally and start to resent the people in their life.
When pleasing others leads you to forgo your own needs and deny how you really feel, you will end up feeling frustrated, unappreciated or misunderstood. And as long as you give in without checking in with yourself, the more opportunities you waste to nourish or save the relationship.
People respect you more when you are clear with your boundaries, personal values and goals. Take the time you need to think things through, dig deeper, and then make the right decision.
You can’t contribute more value if you have nothing left to give. Say yes to yourself first, and then you’ll find the confidence to make a healthy choice.
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Mar 16, 2018Don’t Shuffle People Into…
Don't Shuffle People Into the Wrong Job Just Because They're Already on the Payroll You grow your company by putting proven performers where you need..
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Feb 26, 2018Minimise Workplace Negativity
Tips for Minimizing Workplace Negativity To Deal with Negativity in the Workplace, Use These 9 Tips Nothing affects employee morale more insidiously than persistent workplace..
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Feb 16, 2018Fail at Switching Jobs?
This Is the No. 1 Reason Why People Fail at Switching Jobs (and What to Do About It) There's a reason changing careers is so..
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Feb 2, 2018A Technique To Get…
Didn't Get Your Dream Job? This 1 Technique Could Get You a Second Chance Every job seeker experiences this at least once, if not several..
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Jan 26, 2018Prepare new employees for…
The Best Way to Set New Employees Up for Success Create an onboarding program that's both meaningful and memorable Congratulations; you've just hired a terrific..
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Jan 19, 2018First Hour, Day, Week,…
Do This In Your First Hour, Day, Week, And Month Of Your New Job Getting settled into your new job is the ultimate act of..
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Jan 5, 20187 Ways Modest Leadership…
7 Ways Modest Leadership Increases Team Success When we imagine the traits of successful leaders, whether they are managers, high level executives, CEO's or owners..
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Dec 15, 2017Employee stress during Christmas
Managing employee stress during the festive period More than half of employees feel stressed in the weeks leading up to Christmas, with most calling for..
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Dec 1, 2017Appreciating your employees
How to Avoid the No. 1 Reason People Leave Their Jobs William James, the father of psychology, stated that the most fundamental psychological need is..
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Sep 15, 2017Lost your Job?
Nine Things You Should and Shouldn't Do If You Lose Your Job Most of us wouldn’t think to associate the words "joblessness" and "fun," but..
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Aug 16, 2017Write your first CV
It's all about potential: how to write a CV with no work experience Follow these tips to stand out among competing candidates – from research..
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Aug 4, 2017Is it time to…
The Best Ways to Reward Employees. Having an effective reward program in place can help solve many of your HR issues. Every company needs a..
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Jul 28, 2017Burnout: exhausted or lonely?
Burnout at Work Isn’t Just About Exhaustion. It’s Also About Loneliness More and more people are feeling tired and lonely at work. In analyzing the..
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Jul 21, 2017People don’t take HR…
People Don’t Take HR Seriously; Here’s Why That’s Dangerous Legacy beliefs like being the bad guy and a lack of strategic vision isolates HR, and..
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Jun 30, 2017Career Development
Think Strategically About Your Career Development In a world where the average employee sends and receives 122 emails per day and attends an average of..
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Jun 16, 2017Diversity and Inclusion
Diversity Doesn’t Stick Without Inclusion Leaders have long recognized that a diverse workforce of women, people of color, and LGBT individuals confers a competitive edge..
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Jun 2, 2017Advance Your Career
How To Advance Your Career In A Crappy Entry-Level Job Yes, you can still bring yourself one step closer to snagging that dream job even..
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May 2, 2017Employee Burnout
What causes burnout and how it can affect both the employees and the organisation How HR Can Help Prevent Employee Burnout An engaged workforce. It's..